in secret and deep, down inside of us…

I love it (although at times emotionally painful) when what I am reading/studying in my quiet time lines up.

This morning, R.J.Foster and Julia L. Roller are still on secrecy, and practicing our faith in secrecy, so it is remains for the Lord, and not for man.

In “honest advent,” Mr. Erickson writes about raising a child… and the normal parts of child raising, but also the essence of the child/person, which we may be able to catch glimpses of through their eyes.

We have to really be looking for their essence… I remember in “Shepherding a Child’s Heart,” an amazing parenting book I read years ago was about getting to the “essence.” I think that is the same as David (in Psalm51:6) the secret place of the heart.

Parenting also exposes our own hearts. I have memories I love with our kids, and some I would love a do over.

Mat asked me last night why I am still allowing myself to be so stressed with work. When I already have done so much in such a short time. This conversation was on our walk, after I couldn’t have the root canal completed because my blood pressure was way too high. I am going in today to have it taken by a nurse. I am thinking it was from the stress of having to leave work, drive to the city, and then spend a lot of money which could go elsewhere, on something that could have been prevented if I would have stayed up on cleanings… Back to current thought. I do not know why I remain so stressed about work. Maybe I do struggle with high blood pressure. I also still do not have things where I want them, and once I get to work there are so many little things that take time—which I am happy to work on–but then I remain behind on things I thought I would already be on top of. And I really, really dislike not knowing how to do things (the 5 in me, if you are an Enneagram person) and so that takes me down rabbit holes and as I catch this happening the 4 in me—I’m pretty much an even split of these two numbers—creates emotions that I must fight off to stay productive. I relieve my stress by playing online games such as bettingsidor utan svensk licens.

Deep down inside of us.
Deep down inside of me. I am still a mess. I have figured out a few things. Like how I like my coffee; my favorite style and brand of shoes; that I need silence in my quiet times because I constantly am not quiet in my mind. That I struggled with anxiety since 5th grade, and didn’t know that was what it was until we were in family counseling/therapy. That I love my kids so much and am working hard on not sounding bossy when texting. Or texting too much randomness. And how much I really could give them daily hugs, even though they are far from home. Yes, a “hot mess.”

An up note/side note: since I couldn’t get the root canal, I ran by Trader Joes. First time in over a year… maybe more. Oh my do I still like that place.
And the photo is from my post jog/run yesterday. With my selfie camera… the colors of the drying flowers was very, very close to the colors in the sunrise.